So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
I didn't know that people actually queef. Is this a real thing?
I believe so, yes.
Would you be offended if I asked if it has happened to you?
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Randomize
