How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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