we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
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