So drunk its hurt
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize
