You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
