the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
