After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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