so... another position just opened up(704) Oh really?(704) Is it John's?(704) Or did you find a new way to take a penis?
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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