Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize
