Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
Randomize
