It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
Randomize
