Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
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