she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
Sext me about skeletons
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
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