Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
Hard rock hotel, wtf why am i still out, im gonna fuk 5 chix 2nite .maybe
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Blow job season was short but glorious.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
