i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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