dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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