a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
Randomize
