Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Ahh good point. I got some interesting mental pics and I'm slowly entering a "fuck it, lets do weird shit" phase sexually, but you may have already figured that out since I've been fucking you sideways and upside down a lot lately.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
Randomize
