I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
