birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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