Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
Everything about him screamed your future.
sarcasm needs its own font
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
As shirtless as possible
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
