I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
Randomize
