Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
Randomize
