You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
I just forgot I was standing up.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
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