??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
1 stripper is 160/hr. 2 strippers is 280/hr. it would be fiscaly irresponsible to only get one.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Randomize
