I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
