Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
is that a dick in a sweater?
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
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