Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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