Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
Randomize
