Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
