My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize