So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
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