just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
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