based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
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