My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize