How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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