My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
I just hope this isn't happening Final Destination style
Travis Barker would totally be Devon Sawa in this scenario
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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