Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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