i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
Randomize
