im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
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