What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Randomize
