I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
