hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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