i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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