I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
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