I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
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