are you still at the devil's house?
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
