Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
