bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Randomize
