My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Randomize
