I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
Randomize
