I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
After going down on me he either said "there, it's over" or "there's an odor"... I couldn't hear him and was too embarrassed to ask him to repeat himself. I just got dressed, grabbed my bag, and left. So I don't think there's gunna be a second date. =(
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Randomize
