I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
Randomize
