He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
She's hot, in a Megan Fox with Down's Syndrome kinda way. Like, she'd win Miss Deliverance Pageant
At least she's the hottest one. Oh well, it's all about stats
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
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