i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Randomize
