Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
Come back. Shots need mouths.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Randomize
