Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
I was watching truelife I'm transgendered. This tranny already got a date a week after getting a vagina. I've had a vagina my entire life and can't get a date.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
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